GIVING
“In life we get what we give - so if peace and happiness is your wish - be first to give it away!”
~Frank Moffatt

When I first read the above, it resonated with me and it still does. This is how I like to see the world. Upon further reflection, I can see how it could be distorted to be read in a more dysfunctional way.

For one thing, I don’t see this as a direct relationship. Giving to one person may not mean you get it back from that same person. If you practice giving openly, honestly and wholeheartedly though, chances are you’ll get good things in return too. Just maybe not from the people your originally hope/want, and that’s okay. Overall, I’d say this is the way it’s supposed to be. Every relationship requires give and take. The tally likely won’t balance out to zero on any one day though – there will be periods where you give more than you get and others where you’re the one that needs someone to lean on. That’s just life for ya. Just be careful of relationships where there is no give and take at all, no matter which side you’re on.

I had a friend who once told me that he doesn’t stay in contact with people if he doesn’t get anything out of it. I mean this in a different way than he intended those words (him and I no longer stay in regular contact, my hypothesis as to why is that we are no longer in the same professional sphere). The best lessons to learn I find are those you get from interacting with people from all walks of life and with all different perspectives. Narrowing your list to only one type isn’t something I’d recommend. Remember, you can get so much out of sharing, giving of yourself, and being open to the lessons others can teach you, even if the results aren’t imminent or obvious.

“What we give we shall receive – if I give kindness – I feel kind, if I give patience – I feel patient and so on.”
~Frank Moffatt

Now that’s better. This quote responds to that issue, but if someone were determined enough, the concept could still be distorted. I’ve been reading Melody Beattie’s recent The New Codependency. Having not read her bestseller Codependent No More, I can’t say how it compares. But one thing it’s reminding me is there is such thing as needy giving and giving that really doesn’t help.

Needy giving is when “we’re giving to get. We give to get people to need us because we don’t feel loveable. Caretaking attaches people to us, creating dependent relationships… It looks like we’re taking care of the other person’s feelings, but we’re taking care of our own.”

So giving is great, but not if we’re only giving to get people to like us and be with us. How many parents of grown children know what it’s like to only get a call when they want something from you? And if the parent always gives in just so they can be a part of their child’s life, are they really helping the child? It could be that all the giving is doing is enabling them to be irresponsible, negligent or addicted. If so, sheltering them from the consequences of their actions may be doing more harm than good. It’s like giving drugs to a drug addict. If they decide to get it for themselves, that is their choice. Your choice doesn’t have to be being the one to give it to them.

It’s hard to step back and watch a loved one go through a hard time if you feel there’s something you can do to help. But the hard truth is that you can’t make decisions for them, you can’t take responsibility for another adult’s decisions and maybe the lessons they’ll learn through struggling are exactly what they need to learn on their own. Besides, you need to be able to take care of yourself before you try to help others. Otherwise, the result won’t be good for you nor will it be good for them.

Constantly stepping in to help or take over teaches the person you’re trying to help that you think they’re incompetent. I remember that’s how I felt when my parents tried to “help” me plan my wedding. I didn’t ask their opinion because I didn’t want it. I had everything sorted out just fine. Them showing up to the rehearsal ceremony after being told specifically not to be there and then being totally shocked that there wasn’t a looming disaster that I’d need them to fix was not appreciated. It made me feel like they had absolutely no faith in my ability to do things on my own.

Forget about how it makes the other person feel, giving all the time can leave you feeling used and unappreciated – a victim. If you work yourself out doing something for someone else and they didn’t even want you to be doing it in the first place, yes of course you’ll feel unappreciated because your actions are unappreciated. That doesn’t mean you get to blame the other person for “making you” feel that way though. It might actually be yourself doing the damage.

I’m not saying being a giving or generous person is bad, not at all! I’m just pointing out that it makes a difference why you’re doing it and that you’ve got to make sure you’re taking care of yourself too. If you are able to and choose not to take care of yourself, how can you expect others to make sure you’re taken care of? And how can you expect others to have faith that you can take care of them when you can’t even take care of yourself?

Everything is always in degrees, a balance is always preferred. So when is giving a good thing? When it comes from the heart. When you’re giving because you want to give, not to get something in return from someone else or out of guilt. When we’re asked to help and are willing and able to help. When we ask someone if they need help, they say yes and we are willing and able to help. When there’s give and take. When we’re living up to our responsibilities to others (e.g. caring for a sick loved one, or raising children who are dependent on us). When our good feelings from giving do not depend on the reaction we get from others. When it does not result in us feeling like we’re being taken advantage of, drained, unable to take care of ourselves or unappreciated.

I’ll leave you with one more thought on today’s theme:

“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It’s when you give of yourself that you truly give.”
~Kalil Gibran

Margaret Bailey lives in Ottawa with her husband and two cats. She believes strongly that knowledge is only useful if applied and shared. She strives to be a light to all who cross her path or walk with her awhile.